No More Mr Nice Guy Summary 📖 Robert Glover

When you were growing up, you received messages from your family and the world around you that it was not safe, acceptable, or desirable for you to be who you were, just as you were.

This has resulted in Nice Guys who…

Co-create poor relationships with women

Try to hide their flaws and mistakes

Put other people’s needs and wants before their own

And a whole laundry list of other things:

Seek approval of others

Sacrifice personal power and play the role of the victim

Disassociate themselves from other men and masculine energy

Create situations where you don’t have very much good sex

Fail to live up to their full potential

Now, if you’re a Nice Guy and you don’t have 10 minutes to watch and understand the lessons in this video, then you’ll likely continue to feel unhappy.

 

You might not think you’re a Nice Guy. But you could be.

 

So keep watching to find out if you are one.

 

This is a book summary of No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover.

 

Chapter I: The Nice Guy Syndrome

Here’s some things Nice Guys say:

“I’m a Nice Guy. I’m one of the nicest guys you’re ever going to meet.”

And there’s also:

“The other day I cleaned the kitchen and did a real good job. I loaded the dishwasher, did the pots and pans, and swept the floor. I thought Heather would appreciate all that I was doing to help out. Before I was finished, she walked in and asked, ‘How come you didn’t wipe off the counters Honey?’ I wasn’t even done, for goodness sake.

Then there is the sex thing, after all I do for Heather, you’d think she would be willing to give me the one thing I want. All I want is to be loved and appreciated. Is that too much to ask?”

The Nice Guy Syndrome

The label ‘Nice Guy’ refers to their core belief system about themselves and the world around them. Nice Guys have been wrongly conditioned to believe that if they are “nice,” they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a smooth life.

 

This is obviously, horse shit.

 

Characteristics of Nice Guys

Nice Guys…

 

Are dishonest

Are passive-aggressive

Have difficulty setting boundaries

The working mindset of the Nice Guy is this: IF I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be THEN I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life.

 

The Integrated Male

Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome isn’t about going from one extreme to another. The process of breaking free from ineffective Nice Guy patterns doesn’t involve being “not nice.” Rather, it means becoming “integrated.”The integrated male knows how to set boundaries and is not afraid to work through conflict.

 

And I’d argue: Even if they are afraid to work through conflict, they fricken do it anyway!

 

Break Free

Ask yourself the question: Why would it seem rational for a person to try to eliminate or hide certain things about himself and try to become something different? Why do people try to change who they are? Let’s answer that in the next lesson:

 

Chapter II: How a Nice Guy Is Made

Coping With Abandonment and Toxic Shame

When children come into the world they are helpless. As a result, every child’s greatest fear is abandonment.

 

You may have experienced abandonment on some level from your parents divorcing, a parent leaving, a parent dying, neglect, physical abuse, or emotional abuse. An abandoned child becomes ego-centered.

 

This means that they inherently believe they are the center of the universe and everything revolves around them. Therefore, they believe that they are the cause of everything that happens to them. This leads to believing something is wrong with them, so they don’t feel they can be who they are, just as they are.

 

This is toxic shame.

 

Abandoned children end up seeking approval from others to soothe their shame. Their behaviors can manifest as the aggressive pursuit of success, working out excessively, trying to fit in by causing drama, trying to be funny, and trying to please others.

 

 

 

Chapter III: Learn to Please The Only Person Who Really Matters

Identify How You Seek Approval

Cal is a typical Nice Guy, he tries to get external validation by always being in a good mood, driving a nice car, dressing well, and having a cute daughter.

 

Cal likes to dress his fourteen-month-old daughter in a cute dress and take her to the park.

 

From the moment he begins to dress her he is unconsciously attaching his value and identity to the acknowledgement he thinks he will receive from being a good dad.

 

Just about everything a Nice Guy does is consciously or unconsciously calculated to gain someone’s approval or to avoid disapproval.

 

Free yourself of seeking approval by identifying your approval seeking behaviors and then putting a stop to them.

 

Chapter IV: Make Your Needs A Priority

Nice Guys generally focus their attention on meeting everyone else’s needs while trying to be “low maintenance” kinds of guys themselves.

 

This pattern among Nice Guys is the result of childhood conditioning. When a child’s needs are not met in a timely, healthy manner-He may think that it is his needs that cause people to hurt him or abandon him.

 

Beneath this act of needlessness and wantlessness, all Nice Guys are actually extremely needy. Consequently, when they are trying to get their needs met, Nice Guys can be indirect, unclear, manipulative, and controlling.

 

Things You Do That Prevent You From Getting Your Needs Met

I. You Make It Difficult For Others To Give To You

Since it was when they had the most needs that they felt the most abandoned, they believed it was their needs that drove people away. Allow other people to help you to become a more integrated male and get your needs met.

 

II. You Use Covert Contracts

The Nice Guy’s covert contract is: I will do something for you so that in return you will do something for me but we will both act as if we have no awareness of this contract. So I challenge you to think for a moment: Identify at least 1 covert contract between you and someone you care about.

 

Chapter V: 5 Ways to Reclaim Your Power

1. Set Boundaries

For the next week, observe yourself. Do you say “yes” when you would rather say “no”?

 

Clearly establish what you are willing to tolerate, and what you aren’t.

 

For example, one of my boundaries in a relationship is that I’m not willing to sacrifice eating healthy food any less than 5 days per week, every week, for the rest of my life.

 

2. Surrender The Things You Cannot Control

Surrender doesn’t mean giving up, it means letting go of what one can’t change and changing what one can.

 

3. Face Your Fears

Because of the fear created in childhood, Nice Guys still approach the world as if it is dangerous and overpowering. To cope with these realities, Nice Guys typically hunker down and play it safe. As a consequence of playing it safe, Nice Guys experience a lot of needless suffering. Suffering from procrastinating and not living the life they want to live. Pick one fear you have and make it your goal to overcome that fear by starting with small steps.

 

4. Develop Integrity

Most Nice Guys pride themselves on being honest and trustworthy. In reality, Nice Guys are dishonest. They have the ability to tell a lie or withhold the truth and still believe the illusion that they are honest people. Since dishonesty is a fear-based behavior, telling lies and withholding the truth robs Nice Guys of their personal power.

 

5. Express Your Feelings

And I want to harp on about this one because I believe it’s one of the most important. To FACE your feelings. Not even just express them to someone else. But to actually face your own BULLSHIT. Enough of putting in those music headphones to distract yourself from your own self, your own feelings, your own emotions.

 

Feelings are an integral part of human existence. By learning the language of feelings, recovering Nice Guys like yourself can begin to let go of a lifetime of unnecessary baggage.

 

And boy, as you do, you might just get to a point where finally you feel that you are Charlie, and you have just won the golden ticket, to Willy Wonka’s factory.

 

Chapter VI: Reclaim Your Masculinity

Boys growing up without the presence of male role models has helped shape the problem of Nice Guys.

 

Following the industrial revolution, fathers had to leave their sons and work in factories and offices while their sons were raised mostly by their mothers and other women.

 

This social conditioning has the effect of Nice Guys being disconnected from other men. Fix this by making friends with masculine male role models.

 

Chapter VII: Get The Love You Want – Success Strategies For Intimate Relationships

Why Nice Guys Struggle To Get The Love They Want

Most Nice Guys do not report having had a close relationship with their father in childhood. As a result, many Nice Guys were forced into an unhealthy bond with their mother.

 

The tendency of Nice Guys to be monogamous to their mothers seriously inhibits having any kind of a genuinely intimate relationship with a partner in adulthood.

 

Nice Guys Co-Create Dysfunctional Relationships

Nice guys try to balance their fear of vulnerability with their fear of isolation. Vulnerability means someone may get too close to them and see how bad they are. Nice Guys are convinced that when others make this discovery, these people will hurt them, shame them, or leave them.

 

The alternative doesn’t seem any better. Isolating themselves from others recreates the abandonment experiences that were so terrifying in childhood. In order to balance his fear of vulnerability and fear of abandonment, a Nice Guy needs help.

 

He finds it in people who are equally wounded and also have difficulty with intimacy. Together they co-create relationships that simultaneously frustrate all parties while protecting them from their fear of being found out.

 

There are 2 types of Nice Guys: Enmeshers and Avoiders. This intimacy balancing act plays out in 2 ways:

 

Enmeshers are overly involved in an intimate relationship at the expense of one’s self and other outside interests.

 

Avoiders on the other hand are emotionally unavailable to a primary partner while playing the Nice Guy role outside of the relationship.

 

How to Get The Love You Want

Set Boundaries

When a recovering Nice Guy sets boundaries with his partner, it makes her feel secure. In general, when women feel secure, they feel loved.

 

Setting boundaries also creates respect. When a Nice Guy fails to set boundaries it communicates to his partner that he doesn’t really honor himself, so why should she?

 

Chapter VIII: Get The Sex You Want

1. Come Out of The Closet

Internalized shame and fear are the greatest barriers to a satisfying sex life. You can read all the books you want or take the $3,000 bootcamps over in Las Vegas. But none of these things will help get the sex you want, so as long as you have unaddressed shame and fear about being sexual.

 

2. Talk About It

Find a safe place to talk about the following issues:

 

Your sexual history

Earliest sexual memory

Childhood Experiences

Sexual violation and trauma

Sexual issues in your family

3. Be Sexual With Yourself Without Pornography and Fantasizing

Until you can be sexual with yourself without using pornography or fantasy to distract yourself, you won’t be able to have healthy sex.

 

Pornography creates a trance in which you can be sexual while staying distracted from your shame and fear. Pornography compounds shame because it is usually hidden and used in secret.

 

Fantasy is a form of dissociation — the process of separating one’s body from one’s mind. The only thing fantasy accomplishes is to distract you from your shame and fear or cover up the fact that you are having bad sex.

 

4. Say “No” To Bad Sex

Hate to break it to you laddy’, but it’s time to abandon that fantasy of inserting your jolly-manger into easy 6’s from Bangkok.

 

When you decide you will no longer settle for anything less than good sex, you will begin to take responsibility for doing something different. You will let go of the concept of being a great lover. You will practice being clear and direct. You will choose an available partner. You will decide that bad sex is not better than no sex!

 

5. Follow The Example Of The Bull Moose

In nature, the alpha male and the bull moose don’t sit around trying to figure out what will make the girls like them. They are themselves: fierce, strong, competitive, and sexually proud. Because they are what they are and do what they do, the chicks are attracted. As recovering Nice Guys become comfortable just being themselves, they begin to attract healthy relationships.

 

Chapter IX: Get The Life You Want

As you look at the reality of your life, ask yourself two questions: First, are you creating the life you want?

 

Second, If not, why not?

 

It’s likely because of fear. Face your fears head on, for that’s the only way to get the life you want.

 

Recap

 

Let’s recap. In today’s video, you learned…

 

 

 

Chapter I: The Nice Guy Syndrome

 

Which is the conditioned belief that they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a smooth life.

Chapter II: The Making Of A Nice Guy

 

Due to parental issues growing up, nice guys feel abandoned and become ego-centered as a result

Chapter III: Stop People Pleasing

 

Chapter IV: Make Your Needs A Priority

 

Chapter V: Reclaim Your Personal Power

 

By setting boundaries, surrendering the things you can’t control, facing your fears, developing integrity, and expressing your feelings

Chapter VI: Make friends with masculine male role models

 

Chapter VII: Get The Love You Want

 

Nice guys are afraid of opening up to a partner but also afraid of being alone, so they are rarely comfortable

To fix this, set boundaries

Chapter VIII: Get The Sex You Want

 

By talking about it in a safe space with other men, learn to be sexual with yourself without pornography or fantasy, say no to bad sex, and be grounded in yourself

Chapter IX: Get the Life You Want

 

By facing your fears

Congrats on watching this video to the end, because it shows you’re serious about becoming the man who has his sh*t together.